pandr
07-22-2013, 04:46 PM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary
For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek Goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Whoo Hoo!!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my situps, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoe laces. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading b****. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted to work on my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f***ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
weather channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b****), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or vasectomy.
Dear Diary
For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek Goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Whoo Hoo!!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my situps, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoe laces. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading b****. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted to work on my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the f***ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
weather channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the b****), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or vasectomy.