bigbadbrother
03-09-2015, 08:13 PM
Marriage Jokes
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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Recently researchers for the MTO found over 200 dead crows near Toronto,
Canada. There was concern they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and
to everyone's relief confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.* *By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTO then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car
kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill they always have a look-out crow in a
nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all
the lookout crows could shout "Cah"------- not a single one could shout
"Truck."
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1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Stupid's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" Wrong answer.
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it does makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
10. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
16. How long a minute lasts depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
17. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
19. Why marriage changes passion . . . Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
20. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently researchers for the MTO found over 200 dead crows near Toronto,
Canada. There was concern they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and
to everyone's relief confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.* *By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTO then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car
kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill they always have a look-out crow in a
nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all
the lookout crows could shout "Cah"------- not a single one could shout
"Truck."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Stupid's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" Wrong answer.
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it does makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
10. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
16. How long a minute lasts depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
17. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
19. Why marriage changes passion . . . Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
20. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
21. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
22. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!