David Lettermans top 10 Hits

[mclovin]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Congressman


10."Oh suddenly I'm gay because I roll on the floor tickling men?"
9."4 o'clock -- gropin' time!"
8."Whoops, came to work naked again!"
7."Too much mint, not enough julep"
6."Filibuster? I hardly know her!"
5."You're not wearing a wire, are you?"
4."Look, I don't know what snorkeling is, but stop doing it to me"
3."What would Eliot Spitzer do?"
2.This (video of Massa admitting to groping staffers)
1."Mind if i do a little polling?"

[mclovin]

Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time On Twitter


10.You miss son's soccer game waiting for Lady Gaga to post what she had for lunch

9.You answer the phone: "Twello?"

8.You've spent millions developing iPhone waterproofing technology so you can tweet in the shower

7.You haven't touched your CB radio in months

6.You ask yourself, "What would Jesus tweet?"

5.You sleep-tweet

4.No number 4 -- writer on Twitter

3.You stopped paying attention to this list after the first 140 characters

2.Even Ashton Kutcher thinks you tweet too much

1.Walked in on the landscaper "retweeting" your wife.

[mclovin]

Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Said By Snoop Dogg


10."Yo"

9."I'm following Wolf Blitzer on Twitter"

8."Let's go to the GAP and buy underpants"

7."Shalom and Happy Purim to all!"

6."Instead of eating Haagen-Dazs, I might as well apply it directly to my thighs. Am I right, ladies?"

5."In the words of Ernie Anastos, 'Keep plucking that chicken'" 4.

"John Mayer is like sexual napalm"

3."Could you please pass the Rice-A-Motha-******-Roni?"

2."My CD 'More Malice' is available March 23rd and if you illegally download it I'm coming to your house"

1."I'm just a simple old hockey mom from Alaska, you betcha"

[mclovin]

Top Ten Things Overheard At The St. Patrick's Day Parade


10."I had no idea the Irish were such big drinkers"

9."Look away, kids"

8."Hey, a leprechaun. Oh, sorry Mayor"

7."How did I get here?"

6."I thought this was a 'Fire Dave Letterman' rally"

5."Where are my pants?"

4."Oh no...liver exploded"

3."How did I get here and where are my pants?"

2."When do they drop the ball?"

1."Obama better pass health care because I'm gonna be sick as hell tomorrow"

[mclovin]

Top Ten Signs You're Having A Bad Spring Break


10.Instead of Mexico, you're spending a week at Texaco

9."Complimentary buffet" is whatever crawled out of air conditioning vent

8.Maid leaves not on pillow reading, "Go home filthy American"

7.You're the only one whose abs don't have a nickname

6.Health care bill didn't pass in time for you to get arm reattached after shark attack

5.Only thing on resort's TV is Harry Smith's colonoscopy

4.Your hotel room is home to seven of the world's 10 deadliest snakes

3.P.A. Announcement on the beach: "Take Cover. Enemy aircraft approaching"

2.You wake up naked in Andy Dick's crawl space

1.Still stuck on runway from Spring Break '09

[mclovin]

Top Ten Highlights Of President Obama's Trip To Afghanistan


10.The welcoming chants of "Death to America!"

9.Using miles to get bumped up to business class

8.Picking up sexy negligee for Michelle at Mahboba's Secret

7.Playing a little one-on-one with Hamid Karzai

6.Seeing "Hot Tub Time Machine" dubbed in Pashto

5.Military demonstration on new secret weapon: ground-to-air-goat

4.The splendor of Kabul in the springtime

3.Catching Jon Lovitz at new Kandahar comedy club, Laffghanistan

2.Spotting a confused John McCain arguing with a falafel

1.Leaving Afghanistan

[mclovin]

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Waiting In Line For The iPad


10."What the hell is it?"

9."Will this make Steve Jobs notice me?"

8."Really, what the hell is it?"

7."Is it kosher for Passover?"

6."Should I wear my Spock ears?"

5."Wasn't I saving this money for a hot tub time machine?"

4."What? Ricky Martin's gay?"

3."Is it a bad sign no one can explain what the hell it is?"

2."Will there be hot tattooed women in the line?" (Jesse James only)

1."Can't Apple invent something that will wait in line for me?"

[mclovin]

10.Your spring training begins in June
9.Only thing they tested positive for was cheese fries
8.Outfielders following Justin Bieber on tour
7.Manager spends hour after hour practicing free throws
6.You get winded standing for the National Anthem
5.When writers compare clean-up hitter to Ruth, they mean Ruth Bader Ginsburg
4.Instead of giving signs, third base coach screams, "Bunt, you fat bastard!"
3.Tomorrow whole team scheduled to undergo Tommy John surgery
2.General manger used payroll trying to build a hot tub time machine
1.Your star pitcher defected to Cuba

[mclovin]

Friday, October 29, 2010
Top Ten Reasons Amar'e Stoudemire Is Excited To Play Basketball In New York


10.Working at Madison Square Garden gets me free tickets to the Cat Show

9.It's only 60 miles from Trenton

8.Finally get the chance to use my Yiddish

7.I really enjoy traffic

6.There's no better workout than running for your life in Central Park

5.If I played in Miami, I'd never get to touch the damn ball

4.New York is just as fabulous as it looked on "Sex and the City"!

3.I think Willis Reed is coming back


2.Maybe someone will tell me what the hell a "Knick" is



1.It's the home of my favorite show, "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"

[mclovin]

Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Top Ten Reasons I'm Glad To Be Named Justin Bieber


10.I really enjoy the look of disappointment when people first meet me
9.I got a free trip to New York City out of it
8.YouTube video of me mowing the lawn got ten million hits
7.If I make an ass out of myself in public, he gets the blame
6.Last week performed a sold out arena show in Delaware and no one knew the difference
5.Reading all the fan mail from Letterman
4.I made a hundred bucks selling some of my hair on eBay
3.Due to a mixup at the post office, I'm the proud owner of a Teen Choice Award
2.Aside from the constant harassment, the fact that no one takes me seriously, and the sense of inadequacy compared to a wealthy 16-year-old, what's not to like?
1.I just thank God I'm not named Charlie Sheen

[mclovin]

Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win The New York City Marathon


10.Your number "467" is also your cholesterol level
9.You once pulled a hamstring opening your mail
8.Crowd noise drowned out by your wheezing
7.Dick Cheney shoots you in the face with the starter's pistol (still a reference, people!)
6.You're so fat you're wearing a headband on your wrist
5.Miss start of the race because you're trapped in Charlie Sheen's hotel room 4.Marathon is sponsored by I.N.G.; you're sponsored by P.I.E
3.3 blocks and you fall down a manhole
2.Just passed a "Welcome To Newark" sign
1.You still haven't finished last year's marathon

[mclovin]

Top Ten Dumb Guy Explanations For The Mystery Missile


10.The crazy balloon dad is back
9.Someone's birthday?
8.Whatever it is, Spider-Man will protect us
7.Is it a promotion for Applebee's new Mystery Missile value menu?
6.Don Rickles dropped his pants and fired a rocket
5.Birds
4.Don't ask me, ask the geniuses at Nassau
3.Has anyone seen the aerosol cheese?
2.Duh, how should I know? It's a mystery!
1.Oprah's sending everyone to Mars!

[mclovin]

Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear While Stranded On A Cruise Ship


10."You folks up for a 130 mile swim?"
9."Psst, I've been stockpiling dinner mints in my pants"
8."The Scurvy Support Group will meet at 11am on the Promenade Deck"
7."Our best hope right now? Aquaman"
6."Nice honeymoon"
5."Giant squid!"
4."Shecky and Leonard Maltin are fighting over the last piece of garlic bread"
3."Tips are still appreciated"
2."The Regis Philbin Lounge Show will go on as planned"
1."Is that the Coast Guard or Somali pirates?"

[mclovin]

Thursday, November 11, 2010
Top Ten Ways To Make The G20 Summit More Exciting


10.More exciting?! Are you mad?!
9.Change focus from global economy to movie and television trivia
8.Legalize helmet-to-helmet hits
7.No one allowed to speak until they've thrown back a couple of Jager shots, dude
6.More exciting?! Are you mad?! That joke was Number 10. Who checks these things?
5.Replace elegant buffet spread with tray of McRibs
4.Puppets
3.Rename it OMG20
2.Bottomless cups of General Foods International Coffee
1.Strand world leaders on a Carnival Cruise liner 150 miles at sea

[mclovin]

Top Ten Surprises In Sarah Palin's New Book


10.It's one, long run-on sentence

9.Lists her favorite things to gut

8.In 2008, she voted for Obama

7.She plagiarizes the stuff George W. Bush plagiarized in his book

6.Averages six "You betcha's" per page

5.In high school, was voted "Most Likely to Serve Half-Term As Alaska's Governor"

4.Comes with a caribou jerky bookmark

3.There's also an edition that's been translated into English

2.Explains why they call her Baba Booey

1.Palin recently worked as a Tina Fey impersonator

[mclovin]

Top Ten Ways to Make Airport Security More Pleasant


10.For an extra ten dollars, screeners will give you a luxurious Shiatsu massage

9.To your left, X-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet

8.Passenger's naked body scan ends up on YouTube -- hey, that joke was in the monologue!

7.Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it

6.You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute

5.Guess the TSA agent's weight and you can bring any liquid on board

4.Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee

3.Pipe in soft rock classics from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today

2.Concludes with a good luck pat on the ass

1.Vibrating wands

[mclovin]

Top Ten Signs The Taliban Leader You're Negotiating With Is An Imposter


10.His beard is a glued-on carpet sample

9.Agrees to peace settlement in exchange for a date with Kim Kardashian

8.Just doesn't seem very Talibanny

7.Got all of his terror plot ideas from "Jackass 3D"

6.You ask, "Are you the Taliban leader?" and he responds, "Si"

5.Raised in the mountainous regions of Aspen, Colorado

4.Looks suspiciously like cousin Sal from "Jimmy Kimmel Live"

3.Ends discussion with "Death to America and the Jets for not covering the spread against Houston"

2.Keeps quoting lines from "They Call Me Baba Booey"

1.Wants to bring peace to Pakistan, Afghanistan and Jenniferanistan

[jechill]

very funny stuff

[mclovin]

Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Top Ten Surprises In Muammar Qaddafi's First United States Interview


10.Neither he nor Chrstiane Amanpour could pronounce each other's names
9.Asked for Lady Gaga's cell number
8.Condemned the Academy for not giving Best Actor Oscar to Jesse Eisenberg
7.Wanted to plug his latest project, "Big Muammar's House"
6.Left early to attend Justin Bieber's 17th birthday party
5.Kept stopping to phone Mike Francesa at WFAN
4.Explained how to do a hassle-free home perm
3.The freestyle rapping
2.Livid he wasn't chosen for next season of "Dancing with the Stars"
1.Claimed to be a "rockstar from Mars riding a Mercury surfboard"

[mclovin]

10.Introduce new show "Two and a Half Steadmans"
9.Each week, Dr. Oz gives one lucky viewer the colonoscopy of their dreams
8.Reality series about a German guy named Lars
7.Every Friday, a lottery to become Oprah's next half-sister
6.Wait...there's an Oprah Winfrey Network?
5.24 hours a day of Marv Albert's wild and wacky bloopers
4.More bull riding
3.Game show in which viewers pick food out of Dr. Phil's mustache
2.Cage-fighting in the "Oprahgon"
1.Yeah, like I have any business telling anyone how to make their television show better

[mclovin]

10."My fastball is up to 43 miles-per-hour"
9."Instead of 'Tommy John surgery', I had 'Elton John surgery'"
8."Tickle party!"
7."This year, everyone's getting paid in gum"
6."I could watch you squat for hours"
5."Your new clean-up hitter, A-Rod -- Adam Rodstein"
4."You just tested positive for pine tar"
3."Run for your lives! Sabathia's eating again!"
2."Welcome to the Mets!"
1."Why is Tommy Lasorda naked?"

[zoogor]

thanks mac. i love the top ten.

[mclovin]

Monday, March 14, 2011
Top Ten Things You Can Expect In Charlie Sheen's One-Man Show


10.One-man show, and a five-man emergency medical team
9.Knife fight
8.A guy falling off stage dressed as Spiderman
7.80% of the audience: undercover DEA agents
6.Critics giving it two and a half stars
5.Trouble
4.Balloons for the kids
3.Scary machete juggling
2.Duh...Nothing
1.Two hours of complete and utter nonsense

[mclovin]

Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Top Ten Reasons To Buy The iPad 2


10.Special microchip makes it obsolete 50% faster
9.Apple will sell it to you for $100 if you tell 'em Dave sent you
8.So thin you can use it to chop vegatables!
7.Comes with a camera on the front, one on the back, and one in the neighbor's shower 6.This is off topic, but who buys tickets to see a live Charlie Sheen show?
5.New app which makes any room smell like biscuits
4.No number 4 -- writer still in line for an iPad 2
3.Isn't it about time you did something for you?
2.Instead of a touch screen, it has a lick screen
1.In this economy, who doesn't have 600 bucks to throw around?

[mclovin]

Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Top Ten Ways I, David Letterman, Will Celebrate St. Patrick's Day


10.Dye my hairpiece green
9.Sit alone in my office until cleaning guy calls me a cab
8.Illegal fireworks -- the perfect accessory for every holiday!
7.Eat a bar of Irish Spring soap
6.Drinking, screaming, fighting, vomiting -- just like any other day at the Late Show
5.Get chased down street by a bunch of drunks shouting, "There he is, get him!"
4.No number 4 -- writer started "celebrating" early
3.Save money on green beer by drinking a bottle of Scope -- hey, wasn't that in the monologue?
2.Chase the rats out of the Ed Sullivan Theater
1.Duh, drinking!

[mclovin]

Top Ten Signs You're Dumb


10.Whenever you see a pudding commercial, you lick the screen

9.Word you use most often: "Huh?"

8.Call the police every week to report witnessing a crime on "Law & Order"

7.You know exactly how much loose change you can fit in your nose

6.While brushing your teeth, always wonder why they call it a "toothbrush"

5.You call the Mets and ask when playoff tickets go on sale

4.Can't understand why it's a "5-day forecast" and not a "5-day fivecast"

3.You answer most questions with, "I'd like to solve the puzzle"

2.You're enjoying this crap

1.Often begin sentences with, "Glenn Beck said something fascinating..."

[mclovin]

Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much College Basketball


10.Answer the phone, "Hellohio State?"

9.Been having erotic dreams about Verne Lundquist

8.Named kids Xavier, Duke, and Notre Dame

7.You've started injecting nacho cheese intravenously

6.Begin each day by inflating your pants

5.You ask your girlfriend to marry you using a dry erase board

4.No number 4 -- writer at Buffalo Wild Wings waiting for games to start

3.Actually know what TruTV is -- Honestly, people, what the hell kind of a name is that?

2.You've spent thousands on plastic surgery to look like Jim Boeheim

1.Your wife refers to your fat butt as the "Big South"

[mclovin]

10.Cobra said he was just going out for a smoke <br />
<br />
9.Guy in charge of making sure snakes don't escape called in sick <br />
<br />
8.Relax -- this happens all the time <br />
<br />
7.It was Al Qaeda <br />
<br />
6.We can't be...

[mclovin]

Fundraising Dinner


10.It's $10,000 a plate, but the food costs extra

9.Held at a Fuddruckers in Parsippany, New Jersey

8.All money raised supports "Qaddafi 2012"

7.President Obama doesn't attend -- he's in the audience at Letterman

6.Dinner interrupted by screams of, "Anyone seen a cobra!?"

5.You spend the evening heimliching Mike Huckabee

4.By the end of the night, they've raised 9 bucks and a Meineke coupon

3.It's just you and Henry Kissinger in a hot tub

2.Republicans demand proof the pineapple chicken is really from Hawaii


1.Master of ceremonies? Regis

[mclovin]

10.Less murdering

9.Capture and return the Bronx Zoo cobra

8.Release hit novelty song "Muammar Said There'd Be Days Like This"

7.Promote himself from colonel to general

6.Bring back the Ukrainian nurse!

5.Share hairstyling tips for getting that coveted Philip Michael Thomas look

4.Replace Gilbert Gottfried as Aflac duck

3.Just for fun, throw in some more Q's

2.Go on tour with Hosni Mubarak as the "Original Dictators of Comedy"


1.Die

[mclovin]

Top Ten Rejected Major League Baseball Slogans



10."The Fastest Four Hours In Sports"

9."Our Umpires Have Never Been Fatter"

8."Athletic Men In Tight Pants -- Ohh-La-La!"

7."Home Of The $9 Hot Dog"

6."It Is High! It Is Far! It Is A Trickler Foul..."

5."We Don't Have a Lock Out"

4."An Excuse To Drink Beer All Afternoon"

3."One Of America's Top 5 Sports"

2."Crushing The Dreams Of Small Market Teams Since 1994"

1."A Scratching, Spitting, Ass-Slapping Good Time"

[mclovin]

Top Ten Titles For The HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series


10."From Sneer To Eternity"

9."Dial 'M' For 'Medic'"

8."The Fat, The Bald, And The Ugly"

7."Clear!"

6."Mr. Cheney Goes To Washington And Everything Goes To Hell"

5."Do The Wrong Thing"

4."Lord Of The Onion Rings" (You know, because he's fat)

3."How I Waterboarded Your Mother"

2."Raging Bullsh**"

1."Lawrence Of Arrhythmia"

[mclovin]

Top Ten Southwest Airlines Excuses


10.Not a hole, it's a sunroof

9.Wanted to be known for more than just our chaotic seating policy

8.Cabin was getting a little stuffy 7.

Who cares? At least we don't fly to Dayton

6.Hello? Fashion Week? Torn fuselages are in!

5.Don't think of them as cracks, think of them as nooks and crannies

4.It's called an "air" plane, not an "airtight" plane

3.Excuses? How about a thank you?

2.April Fools!

1.Our mechanics get less sleep than our pilots

[mclovin]

Top Ten President Obama Campaign Promises For 2012


10.Be more of a warlock, less of a troll

9.Keep unemployment below 75%

8.Fight three wars and the fourth one is free

7.Replace space shuttle with this (VT of Don Rickles firing a rocket)

6.Get fat like the rest of America

5.Send troops to quell feud between Meat Loaf and Gary Busey

4.Fortune cookies actually tell fortunes, no more of this lucky numbers crap

3.Less talk, more rock

2.Pardon Lindsay Lohan

1.Go back to being that cool, smoking badass we all fell in love with

[chicot60]

http://www.shallowmantribe.com/site/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/letterman.jpg

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
http://spoonriverjournal.typepad.com/.a/6a0133ece54547970b0133f55dcc35970b-320wi

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

[-(._.)-]

this is great stuff

[-(._.)-]

you can buy a silencer for a gun ha ha

[mclovin]

Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Television
10.Your name is Howard, but you go by Howie Five-O

9.You lie awake at night worrying about Mike and Molly's cholesterol

8.You've had erotic dreams about the Fox football robot

7.It's day three of being buried under your TV Guides

6.Your 52-inch high-definition ass

5.Only song on your iPod: the theme from "Benny Hill"

4.Cop pulls you over for speeding and you say, "I'm friends with Magnum P. I."

3.When your wife kicks you out of the house, you move to TBS

2.Had your Charlie Sheen tattoo removed and replaced with an Ashton Kutcher tattoo

1.You can actually tell the difference between "American Idol" and "The X Factor"

[mclovin]

Monday, September 26, 2011
Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble
10.Lost support from both wackjobs and nutjobs

9.At debates, he mostly goes with, "That's what she said"

8.Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter

7.He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters

6.His new slogan: "C'maaaaaaaaaaaan!

"5.Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry

4.Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran

3.Even his wife is wearing a "Herman Cain" button

2.Instead of "Freedom" and "Liberty," his cowboy boots read "It's" and "Over"

1.Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts

[mclovin]

Top Ten Reasons Andy Rooney Is Retiring

10.Needs break from grueling three-minute-a-week schedule

9.He was pushed out by that cocky young upstart, Morley Safer

8.These days, whenever he hears that ticking stopwatch, he thinks he's being chased by a crocodile

7.Wants to try this "hiking in Iran" thing he's heard so much about

6.He was fired for pushing Steve Kroft down a flight of stairs

5.Got angry when CBS rejected his piece on how to defeat the Kaiser

4.Wanted to retire while he still looked good on camera

3.Looking to spend more time with his kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, great-great-grandkids, great-great-great-grandkids

2.Leno wanted the job

1.Always promised himself he'd quit 20 years after he ran out of things to say

[mclovin]

Top Ten Things Overheard In The Boston Red Sox Clubhouse


10."We'll get 'em tomorrow... Wait, what?

"9."We're still getting paid, right?"

8."Baseball is just a game, no one's going to be angry

"7."What is FEMA doing here?

"6."This wouldn't have happened if Chris Christie were President

"5."Hey, early vacation!

"4."This is what happens when half the team takes off for Rosh Hashanah

"3."I was takin' a leak, did we win?

"2."At least we're not this guy" (VT of guy getting hit in groin by home run)

1."We went down faster than Nancy Grace's top, am I right people?"

[mclovin]

Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Can Revitalize His Campaign

10.Get a cool nickname, like Rick 'The Refrigerator' Perry

9.Promise no immigration law will ever deport Sofia Vergara

8.Vampire running mate

7.A little mascara would bring out his gorgeous eyes

6.Gain 400 pounds and become the Governor of New Jersey

5.Hold contest where one lucky winner gets to be executed by Perry

4.Party like a rock star, dude

3.Appear on The Late Show -- everyone knows the road to the White House goes through Dave

2.Have one of them Nancy Grace "wardrobe malfunctions"

1.Figure out what the hell happened to the Red Sox

[mclovin]

Monday, October 3, 2011
Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Amanda Knox's Mind When The Verdict Was Read


10."Mama mia, that's a spicy verdict

"9."If there's time, I'd still like to see the Coliseum

"8."Can I keep my Versace prison jumpsuit?

"7."Four years in an Italian prison, this is the last time I book through Priceline

"6."Who's Justin Bieber?

"5."I want to go hiking in Iran

"4."I can't believe I've gone four years without a Pop Tart

"3."Does time-served in Italian jail count towards my degree?

"2."I wonder how Conan is doing on 'The Tonight Show

'"1."If Michele O'Bachmann becomes President, I'm moving back to Italy"

[mclovin]

Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Is Not Running For President


10.As always, he's following his gut

9.Wants to spend more time with pie

8.Learned there isn't a Quiznos within miles of the White House

7.Afraid of going up against the Newt Gingrich juggernaut

6.Doesn't own a tie without a mustard stain

5.He was advised against it by his closet confidant, Duncan Hines

4.Constitution requires every candidate be able to see their feet

3.Can't understand response because of chewing

2.Hank Williams Jr. just compared him to Stalin

1.He was born in Kenya

[mclovin]

Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans To Spend $17 Million


10.Death row taco bar

9.Two words: Alberto VO5

8.Hire staff to write some more great zingers like this...

7.Always wanted to see Branson

6.Spend a weekend at his hunting lodge with Hank Williams Jr.

5.$8.5 million on campaign buttons; $8.5 million on bumper stickers

4.Health care for all Texans...I'm totally messing with you

3.Shut up or he'll execute you

2.Get a fabulous makeover from Michele O'Bachmann's husband

1.Buy lunch for Chris Christie